Enough with that crap

Dear People Leaving Comments On My Blogs,

(Specifically, you whose names are a string of characters that won't read on my computer, leaving cute little blocks filled with numbers in their places...)

You're not fooling anyone. I know that every one of those periods you leave in my comments is a link to some Asian porn site or something of that nature. I hover the cursor over them, it shows me what it is.

Seriously, pack that shit in. I don't want your virus-laden porn sites linked off my blog. Go die in a fire.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,

The Management

2010

Happy fucking New Year.

Here's to another 12 miserable months.

Okay, fine, I'll stop being so cynical. Something good has to happen, and I'll be damned if I don't try in this new year, this extra opportunity to make it good, this galactic 1-up that comes around to say, "Yes, another year has died; but you have many more levels to go before you sleep. Your princess is always in another castle."

So here's to you, and another 12 months on this Planet Earth. God bless you, you fantastic bastards.




Christ I'm drunk.

Like a Like-Like from Legend of Zelda

Just sent off an email to a friend on the topic of the overuse of the word "like." Mind you, this isn't out of some strange fascination for similes. I figured you people might enjoy what I said to him on the matter.

I am reminded that a "like-like" was a baseline enemy in the original Legend of Zelda video game on the NES. It was a blob-like creature that split into two smaller blobs when struck with a weapon. It would appear that the Japanese in 1986 were actually predicting American speech patterns in the late 20th and early 21st Centuries. Consider that when one person uses "like" frequently in conversation, the likelihood of others to begin to use the word with exponentially-growing frequency will increase. Such as the monster from the game, one will split into two. If you have two to split, you will have four. So it goes down the line.

Okay, I just looked it up, and I had it confused with a different enemy; the like-like actually ate your shield. I suppose that's also appropriate, since this deluge of "like" is damn good at breaking down the mental barriers that keep my sanity in check.

A Few Thoughts on 2012 and General Idiocy

I was going through some old posts, and a friend commented that he was concerned that a large number of the more intellectually-inclined might kill themselves if McCain won the election. This reminded me of a discussion I had with my brother a couple days ago about how people are starting to panic over this whole 2012 thing, barraging NASA with phone calls about the end of the world and saying they would kill themselves in December of 2011.

In case you don't know, 2012 is when the Mayan calendar ends. Many people believe it's the clock that's ticking on our continued existence here.

To all the people that are considering committing suicide on the night of December 31st, 2011, I can only say, "Go ahead."

Yes, I am a cruel person. But if you are so bloody stupid to think that the calendar of an ancient (albeit very advanced for what they had) civilization rules over our collected fate, then you are too stupid to survive anything that might actually happen. You are part of the problem. I don't suppose anyone ever wondered if they simply didn't get around to making the 2013 edition because they had a couple hundred years to worry about it?

Nothing is worth killing yourself for. Your favorite candidate not winning is irrelevant; the end of the world will happen when it happens, and the best thing to do is live your own goddamn life. Do you want to give yourself an ulcer worrying about every little phantom that might be hiding in the shadows? Do you really want to die that badly, that every little thing makes it not worth going on?

People kill themselves for all kinds of stupid reasons. Your girlfriend left you, you lost your job, your cat died. What about the reasons to live? Find someone that loves you dearly, find a new job, get a new cat. LIFE IS WORTH LIVING. I shouldn't have to shout it at you, but sometimes I guess people need to be reminded of the obvious things that even the most intellectual should know instinctually.

And what if the world is going to end in 2012? What will I do? I'll be out on the front lawn in a folding chair with a cold six of cheap canned beer watching the rocks fall from the sky. If that be our fate, then I will embrace the spectacle. But chances are, life will go on.

Get over it, and find a reason to live.

The Travesty of Butchered Typewriters

There's something that's been bothering me lately. I know that steampunk fashion is fascinating and all that, but I cannot in any way condone or understand why people insist on cutting the keys off of vintage typewriters so they can turn them into jewelry.

Here and now, 2009 and counting, and there are few who appreciate the well-crafted mechanics of the vintage typewriter. I remember when I purchased my 1940s Smith Corona Silent on eBay how several sellers for similar typewriters outright refused to cut off the keys, so at least I am comforted that a few respect the craftsmanship of these antiques.

As someone that looks to these pieces of history for the beauty of their craftsmanship, I can only liken this dreadful idiocy to killing buffalo solely to cut out their tongues and skin them, leaving the carcass to rot on the plains. While the American buffalo has survived such a drive to near-extinction, typewriters don't have the ability to breed. Fine examples of mechanical excellence don't grow on trees. When the supply of vintage typewriters has run out, there will be no source for your silly jewelry.

Why has no-one thought of making reproduction typewriter keys for the sole purpose of arts and crafts? Why insist on ruining antiques that will someday soon be in such short supply that collectors will be smashing your heads against brick walls for what you have done? It's bad enough they are expensive as all hell as it is.

I could understand if the typewriters they were defacing were already irreparably damaged, but we're talking about machines that are pretty much blocks of solid steel. It takes a lot of abuse to ruin them to the point where they are worthless except for what can be done with their parts. Have any of these people considered perhaps using the typewriter for its intended purpose rather than simply defacing it for parts for necklaces and cuff links?

I love my typewriter, and you better keep your hands off it. Try to cut the keys off my Smith Corona and I'll be cutting off your fingers to make jewelry.


Picture from Vintage Typewriter Shoppe

I Have Found A New Satan, and His Name is AIMBots

Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO DELETE THE MyTVBOTthing?!

I have had to delete this thing something like four (4) times, and it always shows up on my buddy list. I DON'T WANT IT. If anyone at AIM is reading this, take note: do not add bots to someone's buddy list unless they actually want those things. I personally don't want those bloody things because I don't want services that I didn't sign up for. Go DIAF, you bastards. I'm less inclined to use your service if you insist on forcing upon us features we don't want.

/Yeah, I'm just complaining right now. Computers and software have that effect on people.

To The Colors That Never Run/Surviving The Nightmare

Ladies and gentlemen that still see fit to read this blog, I would like to offer up a toast.

Not to Obama, but to you. All of you people of the United States that have made it through the eight year nightmare of inept leadership. Yes, Bush is at last out of office.

Here's to America, those of us that have survived against eight years of madness.
Here's to the Children of America that have given their lives overseas, and those that lived now face nightmares we, the civilian populace, can never understand.
Here's to Freedom, may that word no longer be abused by tyrants.

So please, join me as I raise my glass to all of you who have lived and died, wept and smiled over these previous years. Let us not stop, but forge onward to the future with resolve to better our nation and to heal the wounds suffered by both our nation and the world.


Personally, I've also got my fingers crossed that the new guy is everything he's cracked up to be.

He Won; Enough Already!

Okay, I made it abundantly clear (at least to my friends), that no matter who won the election, I wouldn't be thrilled on the morning of November 5th. Hungover would be more accurate. As the days to voting dwindled, you'd have to be a moron to think McCain stood a chance.

Am I bitter? No, because I wouldn't have been happy with either of these clowns. My political stance closely resembles a wet roadmap that got thrown in a tumble dryer, so there's nothing that would have made me happy on November 4th. However, what is driving me up a wall is the incessant coverage now that Obama is the president-elect. What drapes are Michelle going to put up in the White House? What are Barack's top secrets of success? What is he going to replace the White House bowling alley with? ENOUGH! He won, we know, do we have to keep babbling on and on about it? Inane and trivial details reign supreme! STOP. JUST STOP.

And to whichever no-brain @$$clown that put me on moveon.org's email list, please DIAF. Those people can't seem to understand the concept that their favored candidate actually won, and are having support parties left and right. Well, maybe more like left and left. Not a week goes by that someone doesn't send me an email saying Hey! let's have a party "to keep up the momentum from Obama's victory." What? Keep up the momentum? I would like to remind you that he won the presidency; not you.

We all get the idea. He won. Get over it, get over yourselves, and get on with your life. There are more important things to worry about right now (like whether or not your job is evaporating) other than what breed of puppy Barry is buying his kids on January 20th.

...

I sincerely hope all you Obama fanatics are right.

Sudden Horrific Thought: "IDK, my BFF Jill?"

Here's a sudden and absolutely horrific thought for all of you to consider:

The youth vote has always been important. Bear in mind that we are currently trusting a generation that has learned to communicate primarily in acronyms and AIMspeak to decide the future of this nation. Plus, they see no problem with texting while driving.

This thought will keep me up at night.



Can't sleep; text messaging will eat me.
Can't sleep; text messaging will eat me.
Can't sleep; text messaging will eat me.
Can't sleep; text messaging will eat me.
Can't sleep; text messaging will eat me...

A most excellent stuff

It would appear that I have something in common with North Korean leader Kim Jong-il: we have a mutual love of Hennessy. I'm wishing I had some right now. Can't get the desire out of my head. I also have a hankering for a vintage typewriter, but that is a matter I'm attending to shortly.

So, I ask those of you who have tasted cognac, what is your favorite brand and grade? I myself have only tasted Hennessy VS, so I am a tad inexperienced (though entirely enthusiastic).

Your comments. Show them to me.



[Hennessy's website]

Officially and Irreversibly Screwed

Ladies and Gentlemen, let October 3, 2008, stand as the day America was thoroughly f*cked by its politicians and bankers.

This bill was passed too hastily, it's giving Wall Street way too much leeway (not to mention being rewarded for something it should have been violently punished for). The people that got us into this mess are the same ones that are claiming to get us out, a promise I have a hard time believing. Especially because we, the taxpayers, are no doubt going to be the ones who get to finance this. Think of it this way: the government didn't buy up $700 billion of bad mortgages, we bought $700 billion in bad mortgages that we didn't want to. Sounds more like someone stole the nation's credit card and racked up a crapload of bills.

Maybe it will work out in the end; maybe it won't. But the whole damn thing stinks. Considering the incompetence of our national leaders, I am not holding out hope for the future. My generation, and the generations to follow, are the ones that are going to have to pay this. Goodness knows how! How many of us can't find work, or have to work two jobs at minimum wage to keep from sliding into debt? Who do they expect to pay for this?

We're screwed. Utterly and thoroughly screwed.

Passive Campaigning

There's a chain email going around, addressed to fanatical enthusiastic Obama supporters. The message states that they should go to the November polls not wearing any buttons, shirts, etc. that bear the name of their Lord and Saviour. The reason being is that this could be construed as passive campaigning; campaigning is verboten anywhere near the polls, so the believer supporter would be removed from the polls before being allowed to vote.

The veracity of this chain letter is a somewhat tangled beast, as are the laws surrounding electioneering. Snopes.com tried to unravel it, but pretty much came to the same conclusion that I am going to tell you: if there's any doubt whatsoever, leave your candidate buttons and shirts home. That goes for all parties, all candidates. Obama supporters, McCain supporters, everyone. Seriously, you don't need to take so much pride in who you're voting for on election day. The vote is secret for a reason. There's no need to make sure everyone in your vicinity knows exactly which candidate owns the cock you're so eagerly sucking you're rooting for. Just go in, vote, and go get a coffee or something and wait until the next day to see which lying sack of spit is your new commander-in-chief.

More Political Crap

Okay, I know I said that I'm sick of politics. I'm sick of Obama being portrayed as The Savior. I'm sick of hearing about Sarah Palin as a lunatic.

While it may sound odd coming from me, I'm also sick of everyone blaming the current economic crisis on Dubya. I remember something from my high school government class that only surfaced from memory just recently: economic problems in the nation typically begin with the administration that came before. Now, aside from the ominous feeling I get for the next four to twelve years (considering the blunders made by the current commander-in-chief), that makes me look back on Mr. Clinton's administration and wonder what he did to help along the financial collapse of America.

I stumbled on this video that helps explain what happened. Do yourself a favor and ignore the blatant McCain campaigning at the end; you only need to pay attention until the 8:53 mark. After that, you can just shut it off. Also keep your finger on the pause button since this goes pretty fast.

I haven't done much research to confirm or deny the veracity of the video, but it does make one think. And I'm thinking we're all pretty much f*cked.

I'm Sick of Politics

This election season is one of the most polarizing I've ever seen in my entire life. People on both sides have just gone plain crazy over the candidates of their choice, and it's gotten under my skin in ways that usually call for metaphors involving flesh-eating parasites, broken glass, and Barbara Streisand.

I don't think I need to go into the Republican candidates at this point. McCain's senile and Palin is f*cking scary, we know that. But what really is bringing my vomit to a boil is the genuflecting before the image of St. Politico, The Second Coming, His Holiness the New Messiah, Barack Hussein Obama.

First, the disclaimer: I'm not venting spleen so much about Obama or anything he's done. The people that are pissing me off right now are the supporters.

I swear, the obnoxiousness, self-righteousness, and self-aggrandizment that surrounds these people like the stench of a dead skunk festering under the porch for a week is sickening. Everywhere I go, I see posters up with halos around his head. I hear people talking excitedly about how he's so great and will fix the vast pile of sh*t that America has become. "Change" this and "in touch with the people" that, and blah blah blah I've heard all this crap before from the last Democrat that ran for president.

But, why can't I help but think of the scene in Idiocracy when the president introduces the smartest man in the world and says he'll fix the economy, bring life back to the crops, and make sure everyone has their fair share of fries, all in one week?

I ask you one serious question people: do you seriously think anyone, ANYONE, can achieve a position of power in American politics and not have skeletons in his closet? A politician is a politician is a politician. Is a liar. A lying sack of rot. I've never known people to actually trust politicians any other time of the year, so why in the hell are they so trusting now? Everywhere I turn, there's someone else trying to convince me that he's the best thing to happen to the United States since the Bill of Rights.

To be fair, maybe he doesn't have as many skeletons in his closet as other candidates do. And I really don't care about whether or not he's the best choice; I just want to stop hearing about it.

Enough with the bullsh*t, and stop blowing sunshine about how great a politician is up my @$$. Keep doing what you're doing, and I'm voting for McCain just to piss you off.

In any event, I try to insert humor with every post, so here's a little site called Pundit Kitchen. Enjoy.



Can't wait for the next two months to be over with so you twats on both sides of the fence will finally shut up.

Keep on Truckin'

Regarding My Liquor and Porn Post

I just suddenly realized that that is the formula that has kept Russia going since the Iron Curtain fell. The only thing holding Russia together is their vices.

And no, I'm not commenting on the Georgia Crisis since I am not well-informed on the matter and have no interest in shooting my mouth off about a topic I know jack sh#t about... unlike most bloggers.

Liquor and Porn

I remember reading once that the only industries that are recession-proof are the vices. Beer will continue flowing, liquor will be slugged, porn will be watched. All of which shall be consumed even more when the populace is looking for some variety of escape from their dreary existence and eventual mass suicide. So what are we to do now that the American economy is sinking faster than the Titanic? Simple: begin a surge in industries that are immune to recession.

First (and with the greatest opportunity to protect your dignity), is learning how to distill alcohol. The still, equipment, and a place to set up will set you back a lot of bread, but if you can find a bank that hasn't folded yet, you might be able to secure a loan to cover all that. Once you're making the bucks sending your slightly-less-glorified-than-bathtub gin booze, you can pay back what you owe. Maybe even make a profit. But here's the kicker, and I know from working at a distillery for a day: call your swill "small-batch" distilled. Calling it "small-batch" automatically grants you the right to charge double, or even triple, what you should be charging for it. With the right labeling, and the ridiculous price, the association of value will come naturally. Rich morons with more cash than brains swallow that line of bullsh#t like it's caviar. Never assume that price equals value. Fools make that mistake; take advantage of the fool instead.

Pretty much the same holds for beer. Instead, refer to your establishment as a "microbrewery" to achieve the same effect as a "small-batch distiller."

Now, it does help to actually make a decent product. But with the right phrasing, you can turn a mediocre product into something that legions will knock the doors down to get a hold of.

Porn is much easier to get into. Set up is simple; all you really need is a domain name and a webcam. Or a cellphone with video capability. Or a cheap video camera. Seriously, the amateur porn business is huge right now. It's almost impossible to not get clicks immediately. If you're good enough on film, you may attract attention from someone higher up, where the big bucks are. Of course, your primary competition lies in those that post their homemade sexual romps for free, such as the naturally exhibitionistic or legions of men that shame their ex-girlfriends by passing around their filmed escapades.

Imagine if you will, an America that does nothing but make alcohol and porn. The former Land of The Free given over to Land of The Drunk and Horny, world's capital in debauchery. That's one way of digging the nation out of the economic sh#tpile it's buried in: make booze and porn and ship it out to every other nation. Pump the whole world full of this crap. Export every variety of filmed deviance complete with a discount coupons for overpriced swill. We'll get out of the hole yet, just watch.



/Yeah, like this will ever happen.
//These are the things I think about to avoid depression about the direction in which my nation is heading.

Meh.

Okay, the title says it all. To quote Dilbert:

"I ask for so little... and boy, do I get it."

Things have been so mindnumbing lately, I have no opinions in mind to write about. Nothing comes forth, not order, not chaos, not a cream cheese bagel.

Welcome to Hell. Check your vitality at the door.

Reruns

Dug this one up from another site where I post crap.

Finished off Hey Rube last night. One of the things that sticks in my mind is how Thompson (like every other American with liberal leanings) would have bet that Dubya would be out after one term. Considering the mess he made of the country in as little as three years, it's a bet no one would have taken. How wrong the Doc was. Never mind the man backstage pulling strings...

My conclusion is that The Man Behind The Curtain is really a Field Trauma Specialist, and he's armed with 5,000 metric tons of Bandaids. That's the only thing keeping this administration going.

But let's forget his ineptness in office for a minute and consider that if you were throwing a 5-keg party, you'd probably invite him. Not only would he come, he'd have another five kegs in the back of his pickup. He'd be the first to do a keg stand, the one telling all the racy jokes, the first to volunteer his own wallet to keep the party going, and the last to pass out. This is a discussion I've had with some of the poets: while we hate what has happened to our country, we'd actually like to sit down and chat with the man.

Why? Because he's a barrel of laughs. A party animal. The All-American Idiot Frat Boy armed with more booze than Common Sense. He was always the life of the Party. It's part of why he won... his charisma (and crooked voting machines, but that's a topic that has been beaten into the ground).

Face it: Gore could have been replaced by a robot and no one would have noticed, and Kerry looked like he was dug up and stitched back together. One will put you to sleep and the other makes children cry when he smiles. No charisma, no Oval Office. Slick Willie Clinton would have wiped the floor with Bush based on charisma alone (what the hell, he did that to Bush Sr., why not get the son too?), even after the Lewinsky scandal, assuming they were running against each other.

That's my rant for the day: next Presidential Primary, vote for the guy with charisma in the party of your choice. Never run a dullard, even when the incumbent is a total failure.

-Originally written September 27th, 2006.