Keep on Truckin'

Regarding My Liquor and Porn Post

I just suddenly realized that that is the formula that has kept Russia going since the Iron Curtain fell. The only thing holding Russia together is their vices.

And no, I'm not commenting on the Georgia Crisis since I am not well-informed on the matter and have no interest in shooting my mouth off about a topic I know jack sh#t about... unlike most bloggers.

Liquor and Porn

I remember reading once that the only industries that are recession-proof are the vices. Beer will continue flowing, liquor will be slugged, porn will be watched. All of which shall be consumed even more when the populace is looking for some variety of escape from their dreary existence and eventual mass suicide. So what are we to do now that the American economy is sinking faster than the Titanic? Simple: begin a surge in industries that are immune to recession.

First (and with the greatest opportunity to protect your dignity), is learning how to distill alcohol. The still, equipment, and a place to set up will set you back a lot of bread, but if you can find a bank that hasn't folded yet, you might be able to secure a loan to cover all that. Once you're making the bucks sending your slightly-less-glorified-than-bathtub gin booze, you can pay back what you owe. Maybe even make a profit. But here's the kicker, and I know from working at a distillery for a day: call your swill "small-batch" distilled. Calling it "small-batch" automatically grants you the right to charge double, or even triple, what you should be charging for it. With the right labeling, and the ridiculous price, the association of value will come naturally. Rich morons with more cash than brains swallow that line of bullsh#t like it's caviar. Never assume that price equals value. Fools make that mistake; take advantage of the fool instead.

Pretty much the same holds for beer. Instead, refer to your establishment as a "microbrewery" to achieve the same effect as a "small-batch distiller."

Now, it does help to actually make a decent product. But with the right phrasing, you can turn a mediocre product into something that legions will knock the doors down to get a hold of.

Porn is much easier to get into. Set up is simple; all you really need is a domain name and a webcam. Or a cellphone with video capability. Or a cheap video camera. Seriously, the amateur porn business is huge right now. It's almost impossible to not get clicks immediately. If you're good enough on film, you may attract attention from someone higher up, where the big bucks are. Of course, your primary competition lies in those that post their homemade sexual romps for free, such as the naturally exhibitionistic or legions of men that shame their ex-girlfriends by passing around their filmed escapades.

Imagine if you will, an America that does nothing but make alcohol and porn. The former Land of The Free given over to Land of The Drunk and Horny, world's capital in debauchery. That's one way of digging the nation out of the economic sh#tpile it's buried in: make booze and porn and ship it out to every other nation. Pump the whole world full of this crap. Export every variety of filmed deviance complete with a discount coupons for overpriced swill. We'll get out of the hole yet, just watch.



/Yeah, like this will ever happen.
//These are the things I think about to avoid depression about the direction in which my nation is heading.

Meh.

Okay, the title says it all. To quote Dilbert:

"I ask for so little... and boy, do I get it."

Things have been so mindnumbing lately, I have no opinions in mind to write about. Nothing comes forth, not order, not chaos, not a cream cheese bagel.

Welcome to Hell. Check your vitality at the door.

Reruns

Dug this one up from another site where I post crap.

Finished off Hey Rube last night. One of the things that sticks in my mind is how Thompson (like every other American with liberal leanings) would have bet that Dubya would be out after one term. Considering the mess he made of the country in as little as three years, it's a bet no one would have taken. How wrong the Doc was. Never mind the man backstage pulling strings...

My conclusion is that The Man Behind The Curtain is really a Field Trauma Specialist, and he's armed with 5,000 metric tons of Bandaids. That's the only thing keeping this administration going.

But let's forget his ineptness in office for a minute and consider that if you were throwing a 5-keg party, you'd probably invite him. Not only would he come, he'd have another five kegs in the back of his pickup. He'd be the first to do a keg stand, the one telling all the racy jokes, the first to volunteer his own wallet to keep the party going, and the last to pass out. This is a discussion I've had with some of the poets: while we hate what has happened to our country, we'd actually like to sit down and chat with the man.

Why? Because he's a barrel of laughs. A party animal. The All-American Idiot Frat Boy armed with more booze than Common Sense. He was always the life of the Party. It's part of why he won... his charisma (and crooked voting machines, but that's a topic that has been beaten into the ground).

Face it: Gore could have been replaced by a robot and no one would have noticed, and Kerry looked like he was dug up and stitched back together. One will put you to sleep and the other makes children cry when he smiles. No charisma, no Oval Office. Slick Willie Clinton would have wiped the floor with Bush based on charisma alone (what the hell, he did that to Bush Sr., why not get the son too?), even after the Lewinsky scandal, assuming they were running against each other.

That's my rant for the day: next Presidential Primary, vote for the guy with charisma in the party of your choice. Never run a dullard, even when the incumbent is a total failure.

-Originally written September 27th, 2006.

All the Good Ones Are Shuffling Loose

George Carlin, I will miss you. You were the only decent stand-up comedian. The only one that mattered. A genius in your own right.

What are we left with? Dane Cook? Please excuse me while I deposit my partially-digested dinner in the toilet.

We are losing all the best artists and thinkers. There are few worthwhile to step in and fill those shoes. How many have we lost these past few years? It's hard to keep track.

Please, my favorite artists, writers, actors, musicians: hold on as long as you can. Don't leave us with dreck.

Just some quoting

"You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the great struggle for independence."

-Charles Austin Beard (attrib.)

Mr. Beard is rolling in his grave right now. I can guarantee it.