Cruising the internet the other day, I ran into
this little gem, courtesy of
Men's Health and MSN. Aside from the fact that I absolutely hate absolutist lists that insist the author knows everything about life, I found several things about this article that got under my skin. As such, I will proceed with the unmitigated audacity to point my finger in the general direction of Steve Calechman and say, "you are a pitiful excuse for a writer."
Below is his list of "18 Things A Grown Man Should Never Have." My responses are in italics.
=================================================================1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.
First, you're assuming that a black eye is a sign that a man lost. Second, not everyone picks the fight. Third, not everyone is in/dodging a fight with someone that can be reasoned with.2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.
Tell your favorite musician that his song lyrics are for karaoke, then get back to me. If it's a personal email, so what? Some words that have special meaning to someone are nothing to look down upon when they want to share them. Complaining about email signatures in an article makes you look like a pretentious twat.3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her...along with breakfast in bed.
I'm sorry; I wasn't aware that my food supply was solely intended to pamper some vile harpy with a sense of entitlement. I will do better next time to be a good little whipped man-slave (like you). Making a nice, fancy meal for a significant other should be an act of (heaven forbid) love; it shouldn't be expected. Keeping a good supply of food on hand is an ideal most of us aspire to, but it shouldn't be solely to satisfy the whims of some drama-film notion of romance.
4. PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.
Or had the good sense to get rid of a vile harpy with a sense of entitlement that was always expecting three-course meals. A man has to do something with his spare time when no longer being expected to slave for her fickle affections.5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork.
Explain to me how leaving the house unprepared is a sign of immaturity. One would think a grown man wouldn't have to improvise using a lighter or fork when he already owns something that does the job more effectively. More importantly, a grown man would be more concerned about safety (the end of a lighter can break off; stabbing yourself or someone else with a fork could take some explaining at the ER).6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.
The whole thing is irrelevant since there's no such thing as luck. Hard work doesn't produce luck either. Hard work usually puts you into an early grave from stressing yourself too much.7. An unstamped passport. Sorry, not all of us have the graft to leave the country whenever we damn well please. Or, not all of us are paid for bad writing that tells everyone else how to live.8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.
Why only Olympics? Why not major-league sports? Minor-league sports? College sports? I confess, I think most athletics are a bloody waste of time, but no more so than, say, a videogame. Relaxing/having fun shouldn't be dictated as to whether or not it's appropriate for your age, even if that extends only so far as a dream, unattainable as it may be.9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
I was under the impression that the trendy thing to do was pay for everything using your credit card. If we don't, we run the risk of tying up the beautiful ballet of credit card-paying (and debt-riddled) automatons. And why would a real man need to always carry a business card when you're talking about paper money and paying for food and media? I didn't realize a piece of cardstock with your name, number, and address was accepted as legal tender in the Western world.10. A name for his penis. Even if it's a really clever name.
Okay, I can't really argue with this one. I never understood the tendency for men to name inanimate objects or body parts.11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.
First, who the hell buys beer by the case? Second, everyone has different tastes. Reaching for the bottom shelf cheap-sh#t doesn't make you any more or less a man than taking the expensive brew. If you like the taste, what should it matter? The only difference is that you have either more disposable income to throw down on beer, or are only doing so because you think it makes you look sophisticated. Check the news: you are still a pretentious twat.12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.
Fascinating. You must tell us sometime what lacking wit is like.13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon."
My understanding of the fairer sex is that if they are excited (or the man has enough money), they'll do the deed just about anywhere. If the man has the touch, then the magic happens. Yeah, a futon isn't the most glamorous thing to be bumping uglies on, but a man makes do with what's available.14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything. W
hat's your problem with code words? Keeping certain parts of conversation private is a personal prerogative. I can't say I've ever used code words myself, but I see no reason why they should be considered immature.15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office.
I assume this ties into your dislike for athletic dreams. In that case, see above. Who made you the judge of what can and can't be fun?16. A secret handshake. I see no problem with this. What does this have to do with maturity? It was never a thing I caught on with, but why denigrate something that creates a sense of community with your friends? While you're at it, go tell the Masonic brotherhood that secret handshakes and code words aren't for grown men.17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones.
Frankly, I couldn't care less what's printed on the glass; what's inside the glass is what concerns me. I suppose you're going to argue that glasses with the logos of your favorite $20+/case beer are also unmanly.18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop…" Even if that story continues with "...do you have any openings in your department?" or "...could you provide me advice for the police entrance exam?" Seem like normal questions to me. Perhaps the story was when the gentleman in question proved the cop wrong on a point of technicality; this could be useful information. If you have specific unacceptable things to say to a police officer, then please share them. Otherwise, stuff it.
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Mr. Calechman left off items 19 and 20 of his list of things a grown man should never have:
19. The audacity to judge other people's lifestyles.20. A subscription to Men's Health.
Seriously, I wish I were paid to essentially boss around people weak-minded enough to buy into that tripe. This list reads like it should have been titled, "18 Things to Do to Satisfy Your Harpy Girlfriend's Preconceived Notions of What a Man Should Be (And Get Dumped By Her Cheating @$$ Anyway)."
Before you all yell at me for coming off misogynistic, be aware that I know full well that not every woman is a demanding beast fit to be written about as a monster from Greek myth. My friends are dating (one engaged to) fantastic women that love them for who they are, not for some f#cked-up ideas of "What They Should Be Doing, Lest They Not Be Manly." These are beautiful human beings who are not wrapped up in the material world that our article writer here seems to think is the only thing worth living for.
Men's Health, your only contribution to humanity is to be recycled into something worth reading, or, better yet, used for a homeless man's burn barrel. Go tell him he's not a grown man unless he has a fully-stocked fridge so he can cook fancy meals for some bint.
