Old Snarky Me

Enough with that crap

2010-02-25T11:26:00.002-05:00

Dear People Leaving Comments On My Blogs,

(Specifically, you whose names are a string of characters that won't read on my computer, leaving cute little blocks filled with numbers in their places...)

You're not fooling anyone. I know that every one of those periods you leave in my comments is a link to some Asian porn site or something of that nature. I hover the cursor over them, it shows me what it is.

Seriously, pack that shit in. I don't want your virus-laden porn sites linked off my blog. Go die in a fire.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

The Management

2010

2010-01-01T00:38:00.003-05:00

Happy fucking New Year.

Here's to another 12 miserable months.

Okay, fine, I'll stop being so cynical. Something good has to happen, and I'll be damned if I don't try in this new year, this extra opportunity to make it good, this galactic 1-up that comes around to say, "Yes, another year has died; but you have many more levels to go before you sleep. Your princess is always in another castle."

So here's to you, and another 12 months on this Planet Earth. God bless you, you fantastic bastards.

Christ I'm drunk.

Like a Like-Like from Legend of Zelda

2009-11-22T21:33:00.005-05:00

Just sent off an email to a friend on the topic of the overuse of the word "like." Mind you, this isn't out of some strange fascination for similes. I figured you people might enjoy what I said to him on the matter.

I am reminded that a "like-like" was a baseline enemy in the original Legend of Zelda video game on the NES. It was a blob-like creature that split into two smaller blobs when struck with a weapon. It would appear that the Japanese in 1986 were actually predicting American speech patterns in the late 20th and early 21st Centuries. Consider that when one person uses "like" frequently in conversation, the likelihood of others to begin to use the word with exponentially-growing frequency will increase. Such as the monster from the game, one will split into two. If you have two to split, you will have four. So it goes down the line.

Okay, I just looked it up, and I had it confused with a different enemy; the like-like actually ate your shield. I suppose that's also appropriate, since this deluge of "like" is damn good at breaking down the mental barriers that keep my sanity in check.

A Few Thoughts on 2012 and General Idiocy

2009-11-20T13:10:00.007-05:00

I was going through some old posts, and a friend commented that he was concerned that a large number of the more intellectually-inclined might kill themselves if McCain won the election. This reminded me of a discussion I had with my brother a couple days ago about how people are starting to panic over this whole 2012 thing, barraging NASA with phone calls about the end of the world and saying they would kill themselves in December of 2011.

In case you don't know, 2012 is when the Mayan calendar ends. Many people believe it's the clock that's ticking on our continued existence here.

To all the people that are considering committing suicide on the night of December 31st, 2011, I can only say, "Go ahead."

Yes, I am a cruel person. But if you are so bloody stupid to think that the calendar of an ancient (albeit very advanced for what they had) civilization rules over our collected fate, then you are too stupid to survive anything that might actually happen. You are part of the problem. I don't suppose anyone ever wondered if they simply didn't get around to making the 2013 edition because they had a couple hundred years to worry about it?

Nothing is worth killing yourself for. Your favorite candidate not winning is irrelevant; the end of the world will happen when it happens, and the best thing to do is live your own goddamn life. Do you want to give yourself an ulcer worrying about every little phantom that might be hiding in the shadows? Do you really want to die that badly, that every little thing makes it not worth going on?

People kill themselves for all kinds of stupid reasons. Your girlfriend left you, you lost your job, your cat died. What about the reasons to live? Find someone that loves you dearly, find a new job, get a new cat. LIFE IS WORTH LIVING. I shouldn't have to shout it at you, but sometimes I guess people need to be reminded of the obvious things that even the most intellectual should know instinctually.

And what if the world is going to end in 2012? What will I do? I'll be out on the front lawn in a folding chair with a cold six of cheap canned beer watching the rocks fall from the sky. If that be our fate, then I will embrace the spectacle. But chances are, life will go on.

Get over it, and find a reason to live.

The Travesty of Butchered Typewriters

2009-03-12T00:11:00.005-04:00

There's something that's been bothering me lately. I know that steampunk fashion is fascinating and all that, but I cannot in any way condone or understand why people insist on cutting the keys off of vintage typewriters so they can turn them into jewelry.

Here and now, 2009 and counting, and there are few who appreciate the well-crafted mechanics of the vintage typewriter. I remember when I purchased my 1940s Smith Corona Silent on eBay how several sellers for similar typewriters outright refused to cut off the keys, so at least I am comforted that a few respect the craftsmanship of these antiques.

As someone that looks to these pieces of history for the beauty of their craftsmanship, I can only liken this dreadful idiocy to killing buffalo solely to cut out their tongues and skin them, leaving the carcass to rot on the plains. While the American buffalo has survived such a drive to near-extinction, typewriters don't have the ability to breed. Fine examples of mechanical excellence don't grow on trees. When the supply of vintage typewriters has run out, there will be no source for your silly jewelry.

Why has no-one thought of making reproduction typewriter keys for the sole purpose of arts and crafts? Why insist on ruining antiques that will someday soon be in such short supply that collectors will be smashing your heads against brick walls for what you have done? It's bad enough they are expensive as all hell as it is.

I could understand if the typewriters they were defacing were already irreparably damaged, but we're talking about machines that are pretty much blocks of solid steel. It takes a lot of abuse to ruin them to the point where they are worthless except for what can be done with their parts. Have any of these people considered perhaps using the typewriter for its intended purpose rather than simply defacing it for parts for necklaces and cuff links?

I love my typewriter, and you better keep your hands off it. Try to cut the keys off my Smith Corona and I'll be cutting off your fingers to make jewelry.

Picture from Vintage Typewriter Shoppe

I Have Found A New Satan, and His Name is AIMBots

2009-01-22T17:14:00.005-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO DELETE THE MyTVBOTthing?!

I have had to delete this thing something like four (4) times, and it always shows up on my buddy list. I DON'T WANT IT. If anyone at AIM is reading this, take note: do not add bots to someone's buddy list unless they actually want those things. I personally don't want those bloody things because I don't want services that I didn't sign up for. Go DIAF, you bastards. I'm less inclined to use your service if you insist on forcing upon us features we don't want.

/Yeah, I'm just complaining right now. Computers and software have that effect on people.

To The Colors That Never Run/Surviving The Nightmare

2009-01-20T12:17:00.003-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen that still see fit to read this blog, I would like to offer up a toast.

Not to Obama, but to you. All of you people of the United States that have made it through the eight year nightmare of inept leadership. Yes, Bush is at last out of office.

Here's to America, those of us that have survived against eight years of madness.
Here's to the Children of America that have given their lives overseas, and those that lived now face nightmares we, the civilian populace, can never understand.
Here's to Freedom, may that word no longer be abused by tyrants.

So please, join me as I raise my glass to all of you who have lived and died, wept and smiled over these previous years. Let us not stop, but forge onward to the future with resolve to better our nation and to heal the wounds suffered by both our nation and the world.

Personally, I've also got my fingers crossed that the new guy is everything he's cracked up to be.

He Won; Enough Already!

2008-11-19T21:41:00.004-05:00

Okay, I made it abundantly clear (at least to my friends), that no matter who won the election, I wouldn't be thrilled on the morning of November 5th. Hungover would be more accurate. As the days to voting dwindled, you'd have to be a moron to think McCain stood a chance.

Am I bitter? No, because I wouldn't have been happy with either of these clowns. My political stance closely resembles a wet roadmap that got thrown in a tumble dryer, so there's nothing that would have made me happy on November 4th. However, what is driving me up a wall is the incessant coverage now that Obama is the president-elect. What drapes are Michelle going to put up in the White House? What are Barack's top secrets of success? What is he going to replace the White House bowling alley with? ENOUGH! He won, we know, do we have to keep babbling on and on about it? Inane and trivial details reign supreme! STOP. JUST STOP.

And to whichever no-brain @$$clown that put me on moveon.org's email list, please DIAF. Those people can't seem to understand the concept that their favored candidate actually won, and are having support parties left and right. Well, maybe more like left and left. Not a week goes by that someone doesn't send me an email saying Hey! let's have a party "to keep up the momentum from Obama's victory." What? Keep up the momentum? I would like to remind you that he won the presidency; not you.

We all get the idea. He won. Get over it, get over yourselves, and get on with your life. There are more important things to worry about right now (like whether or not your job is evaporating) other than what breed of puppy Barry is buying his kids on January 20th.

...

2008-11-04T23:34:00.001-05:00

I sincerely hope all you Obama fanatics are right.

Sudden Horrific Thought: "IDK, my BFF Jill?"

2008-10-28T01:39:00.003-04:00

Here's a sudden and absolutely horrific thought for all of you to consider:

The youth vote has always been important. Bear in mind that we are currently trusting a generation that has learned to communicate primarily in acronyms and AIMspeak to decide the future of this nation. Plus, they see no problem with texting while driving.

This thought will keep me up at night.

Can't sleep; text messaging will eat me.
Can't sleep; text messaging will eat me.
Can't sleep; text messaging will eat me.
Can't sleep; text messaging will eat me.
Can't sleep; text messaging will eat me...

A most excellent stuff

2008-10-27T21:33:00.003-04:00

It would appear that I have something in common with North Korean leader Kim Jong-il: we have a mutual love of Hennessy. I'm wishing I had some right now. Can't get the desire out of my head. I also have a hankering for a vintage typewriter, but that is a matter I'm attending to shortly.

So, I ask those of you who have tasted cognac, what is your favorite brand and grade? I myself have only tasted Hennessy VS, so I am a tad inexperienced (though entirely enthusiastic).

Your comments. Show them to me.

[Hennessy's website]

Officially and Irreversibly Screwed

2008-10-03T14:45:00.004-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, let October 3, 2008, stand as the day America was thoroughly f*cked by its politicians and bankers.

This bill was passed too hastily, it's giving Wall Street way too much leeway (not to mention being rewarded for something it should have been violently punished for). The people that got us into this mess are the same ones that are claiming to get us out, a promise I have a hard time believing. Especially because we, the taxpayers, are no doubt going to be the ones who get to finance this. Think of it this way: the government didn't buy up $700 billion of bad mortgages, we bought $700 billion in bad mortgages that we didn't want to. Sounds more like someone stole the nation's credit card and racked up a crapload of bills.

Maybe it will work out in the end; maybe it won't. But the whole damn thing stinks. Considering the incompetence of our national leaders, I am not holding out hope for the future. My generation, and the generations to follow, are the ones that are going to have to pay this. Goodness knows how! How many of us can't find work, or have to work two jobs at minimum wage to keep from sliding into debt? Who do they expect to pay for this?

We're screwed. Utterly and thoroughly screwed.

Passive Campaigning

2008-10-01T20:33:00.004-04:00

There's a chain email going around, addressed to ~~fanatical~~ enthusiastic Obama supporters. The message states that they should go to the November polls not wearing any buttons, shirts, etc. that bear the name of their Lord and Saviour. The reason being is that this could be construed as passive campaigning; campaigning is verboten anywhere near the polls, so the ~~believer~~ supporter would be removed from the polls before being allowed to vote.

The veracity of this chain letter is a somewhat tangled beast, as are the laws surrounding electioneering. Snopes.com tried to unravel it, but pretty much came to the same conclusion that I am going to tell you: if there's any doubt whatsoever, leave your candidate buttons and shirts home. That goes for all parties, all candidates. Obama supporters, McCain supporters, everyone. Seriously, you don't need to take so much pride in who you're voting for on election day. The vote is secret for a reason. There's no need to make sure everyone in your vicinity knows exactly which candidate ~~owns the cock you're so eagerly sucking~~ you're rooting for. Just go in, vote, and go get a coffee or something and wait until the next day to see which lying sack of spit is your new commander-in-chief.

More Political Crap

2008-09-29T15:19:00.004-04:00

Okay, I know I said that I'm sick of politics. I'm sick of Obama being portrayed as The Savior. I'm sick of hearing about Sarah Palin as a lunatic.

While it may sound odd coming from me, I'm also sick of everyone blaming the current economic crisis on Dubya. I remember something from my high school government class that only surfaced from memory just recently: economic problems in the nation typically begin with the administration that came before. Now, aside from the ominous feeling I get for the next four to twelve years (considering the blunders made by the current commander-in-chief), that makes me look back on Mr. Clinton's administration and wonder what he did to help along the financial collapse of America.

I stumbled on this video that helps explain what happened. Do yourself a favor and ignore the blatant McCain campaigning at the end; you only need to pay attention until the 8:53 mark. After that, you can just shut it off. Also keep your finger on the pause button since this goes pretty fast.

I haven't done much research to confirm or deny the veracity of the video, but it does make one think. And I'm thinking we're all pretty much f*cked.

I'm Sick of Politics

2008-09-20T00:30:00.003-04:00

This election season is one of the most polarizing I've ever seen in my entire life. People on both sides have just gone plain crazy over the candidates of their choice, and it's gotten under my skin in ways that usually call for metaphors involving flesh-eating parasites, broken glass, and Barbara Streisand.

I don't think I need to go into the Republican candidates at this point. McCain's senile and Palin is f*cking scary, we know that. But what really is bringing my vomit to a boil is the genuflecting before the image of St. Politico, The Second Coming, His Holiness the New Messiah, Barack Hussein Obama.

First, the disclaimer: I'm not venting spleen so much about Obama or anything he's done. The people that are pissing me off right now are the supporters.

I swear, the obnoxiousness, self-righteousness, and self-aggrandizment that surrounds these people like the stench of a dead skunk festering under the porch for a week is sickening. Everywhere I go, I see posters up with halos around his head. I hear people talking excitedly about how he's so great and will fix the vast pile of sh*t that America has become. "Change" this and "in touch with the people" that, and blah blah blah I've heard all this crap before from the last Democrat that ran for president.

But, why can't I help but think of the scene in Idiocracy when the president introduces the smartest man in the world and says he'll fix the economy, bring life back to the crops, and make sure everyone has their fair share of fries, all in one week?

I ask you one serious question people: do you seriously think anyone, ANYONE, can achieve a position of power in American politics and not have skeletons in his closet? A politician is a politician is a politician. Is a liar. A lying sack of rot. I've never known people to actually trust politicians any other time of the year, so why in the hell are they so trusting now? Everywhere I turn, there's someone else trying to convince me that he's the best thing to happen to the United States since the Bill of Rights.

To be fair, maybe he doesn't have as many skeletons in his closet as other candidates do. And I really don't care about whether or not he's the best choice; I just want to stop hearing about it.

Enough with the bullsh*t, and stop blowing sunshine about how great a politician is up my @$$. Keep doing what you're doing, and I'm voting for McCain just to piss you off.

In any event, I try to insert humor with every post, so here's a little site called Pundit Kitchen. Enjoy.

Can't wait for the next two months to be over with so you twats on both sides of the fence will finally shut up.

Keep on Truckin'

2008-08-22T23:35:00.003-04:00

Regarding My Liquor and Porn Post

2008-08-19T22:56:00.003-04:00

I just suddenly realized that that is the formula that has kept Russia going since the Iron Curtain fell. The only thing holding Russia together is their vices.

And no, I'm not commenting on the Georgia Crisis since I am not well-informed on the matter and have no interest in shooting my mouth off about a topic I know jack sh#t about... unlike most bloggers.

Liquor and Porn

2008-07-24T23:43:00.006-04:00

I remember reading once that the only industries that are recession-proof are the vices. Beer will continue flowing, liquor will be slugged, porn will be watched. All of which shall be consumed even more when the populace is looking for some variety of escape from their dreary existence and eventual mass suicide. So what are we to do now that the American economy is sinking faster than the Titanic? Simple: begin a surge in industries that are immune to recession.

First (and with the greatest opportunity to protect your dignity), is learning how to distill alcohol. The still, equipment, and a place to set up will set you back a lot of bread, but if you can find a bank that hasn't folded yet, you might be able to secure a loan to cover all that. Once you're making the bucks sending your slightly-less-glorified-than-bathtub gin booze, you can pay back what you owe. Maybe even make a profit. But here's the kicker, and I know from working at a distillery for a day: call your swill "small-batch" distilled. Calling it "small-batch" automatically grants you the right to charge double, or even triple, what you should be charging for it. With the right labeling, and the ridiculous price, the association of value will come naturally. Rich morons with more cash than brains swallow that line of bullsh#t like it's caviar. Never assume that price equals value. Fools make that mistake; take advantage of the fool instead.

Pretty much the same holds for beer. Instead, refer to your establishment as a "microbrewery" to achieve the same effect as a "small-batch distiller."

Now, it does help to actually make a decent product. But with the right phrasing, you can turn a mediocre product into something that legions will knock the doors down to get a hold of.

Porn is much easier to get into. Set up is simple; all you really need is a domain name and a webcam. Or a cellphone with video capability. Or a cheap video camera. Seriously, the amateur porn business is huge right now. It's almost impossible to not get clicks immediately. If you're good enough on film, you may attract attention from someone higher up, where the big bucks are. Of course, your primary competition lies in those that post their homemade sexual romps for free, such as the naturally exhibitionistic or legions of men that shame their ex-girlfriends by passing around their filmed escapades.

Imagine if you will, an America that does nothing but make alcohol and porn. The former Land of The Free given over to Land of The Drunk and Horny, world's capital in debauchery. That's one way of digging the nation out of the economic sh#tpile it's buried in: make booze and porn and ship it out to every other nation. Pump the whole world full of this crap. Export every variety of filmed deviance complete with a discount coupons for overpriced swill. We'll get out of the hole yet, just watch.

/Yeah, like this will ever happen.
//These are the things I think about to avoid depression about the direction in which my nation is heading.

Meh.

2008-07-22T23:32:00.003-04:00

Okay, the title says it all. To quote Dilbert:

"I ask for so little... and boy, do I get it."

Things have been so mindnumbing lately, I have no opinions in mind to write about. Nothing comes forth, not order, not chaos, not a cream cheese bagel.

Welcome to Hell. Check your vitality at the door.

Reruns

2008-06-26T15:38:00.002-04:00

Dug this one up from another site where I post crap.

Finished off Hey Rube last night. One of the things that sticks in my mind is how Thompson (like every other American with liberal leanings) would have bet that Dubya would be out after one term. Considering the mess he made of the country in as little as three years, it's a bet no one would have taken. How wrong the Doc was. Never mind the man backstage pulling strings...

My conclusion is that The Man Behind The Curtain is really a Field Trauma Specialist, and he's armed with 5,000 metric tons of Bandaids. That's the only thing keeping this administration going.

But let's forget his ineptness in office for a minute and consider that if you were throwing a 5-keg party, you'd probably invite him. Not only would he come, he'd have another five kegs in the back of his pickup. He'd be the first to do a keg stand, the one telling all the racy jokes, the first to volunteer his own wallet to keep the party going, and the last to pass out. This is a discussion I've had with some of the poets: while we hate what has happened to our country, we'd actually like to sit down and chat with the man.

Why? Because he's a barrel of laughs. A party animal. The All-American Idiot Frat Boy armed with more booze than Common Sense. He was always the life of the Party. It's part of why he won... his charisma (and crooked voting machines, but that's a topic that has been beaten into the ground).

Face it: Gore could have been replaced by a robot and no one would have noticed, and Kerry looked like he was dug up and stitched back together. One will put you to sleep and the other makes children cry when he smiles. No charisma, no Oval Office. Slick Willie Clinton would have wiped the floor with Bush based on charisma alone (what the hell, he did that to Bush Sr., why not get the son too?), even after the Lewinsky scandal, assuming they were running against each other.

That's my rant for the day: next Presidential Primary, vote for the guy with charisma in the party of your choice. Never run a dullard, even when the incumbent is a total failure.

-Originally written September 27th, 2006.

All the Good Ones Are Shuffling Loose

2008-06-24T02:35:00.004-04:00

George Carlin, I will miss you. You were the only decent stand-up comedian. The only one that mattered. A genius in your own right.

What are we left with? Dane Cook? Please excuse me while I deposit my partially-digested dinner in the toilet.

We are losing all the best artists and thinkers. There are few worthwhile to step in and fill those shoes. How many have we lost these past few years? It's hard to keep track.

Please, my favorite artists, writers, actors, musicians: hold on as long as you can. Don't leave us with dreck.

Just some quoting

2008-06-22T21:52:00.002-04:00

"You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the great struggle for independence."

-Charles Austin Beard (attrib.)

Mr. Beard is rolling in his grave right now. I can guarantee it.

Mr. Kucinich, I Salute Your Big Brass Balls for This

2008-06-10T02:02:00.002-04:00

http://www.reuters.com/article/middleeastCrisis/idUSN09301988

Dennis, if you were running, I would vote for you. But, alas, the Dems decided to go with the bickering children instead of the guy that puts his money where his mouth is.

The man stood up and did what no one else had the balls to do. Just think, he got railroaded in the primaries for being a nutcase. Same thing happened to Ron Paul. Here's my dream ticket: Paul/Kucinich '08! Or, Kucinich/Paul '08! Either way, I don't care. Chances of that happening: 0%, but hey, a man can dream, can't he?

Defending Freedom? You Couldn't Defend Your Own Intelligence!

2008-06-04T20:19:00.005-04:00

I really hate to bust on veterans only a week and a half after Memorial Day. But I am honestly sick of every veteran on the internet getting up in arms whenever someone criticizes the current administration, the job said administration is doing overseas, war, and soldiers in general.

The catchphrase that I have seen ad nauseum is something to the effect of, "We fought to defend your freedom, so blahdidee blah blah." I find this a curious expression. Aside from the fact that it sounds like it came verbatim from a recruiting advertisement or a neocon politician, I ask, "How does one defend an abstract concept?" Freedom isn't a physical thing you can hold in your hand; it's not a fortress with ramparts to throw boiling oil over the walls at the attacking barbarians. Freedom is one of those fantastic ideas the definition of which philosophers have battled over for thousands of years. What is Freedom? I could babble until blue in the face over the notion, it's constant battle with Determinism, etc. but let's stick to the concrete.

So, what exactly have our brave soldiers defended all this time? Certainly not their ability to think for themselves ("Freedom of thought?" I sarcastically ask). Our armed forces have been fighting for Security. Yes, security. Not some vague idea regarding the human condition, but the very real, physical act of protecting the nation from threats foreign and domestic. That's what the military of any nation is meant for, not cooking up some notion of "defending freedom." Leave freedom to the philosophers.

Why the confusion? Why the blatant regurgitation of military recruiting pamphlets? Well, I answer that freedom is something everyone can rally around. It's a desire of all people, everywhere. Who doesn't like to be free? Free from an oppressive government, free to make your own choices regarding your body and way of life, free to read whatever pleases you.* Uncle Sam says, "You're defending FREEDOM!" What argument can anyone make against that? Such a basic ideal that so many strive for; who wouldn't want to fight for freedom? Now toe the line, sucker.

What have our soldiers secured? Neither freedom, nor security (at least not in the past couple decades). Apparently, none of them are familiar with Ben Franklin and his famous writing. Unfortunately, most of my countrymen aren't familiar with Franklin's writing, or his delightful witticisms.

I understand that many soldiers and sailors and marines don't think this way. But the marching-in-line fanatics make the armed services look bad. Please, if you or someone you love fell for the smokescreen of "Freedom," set them straight and explain that concepts can't be defended save by words; the armed forces have a different duty to perform.

*Fancy how those freedoms are slipping away on this side of the pond.

Politics is mush

2008-05-28T22:51:00.004-04:00

Okay, time for some dumping ground stuff regarding Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton. I found this fantastic little quote from the comments section of this blog:

If she couldn't beat a first term senator named Hussein, how in the world does she expect to beat a war hero?

Unfortunately, there is no one to credit for this amazing truth. The wit who came up with this cut to the core, and I offer him or her applause.

November will be here sooner than you think. To be honest, I'm not looking forward to it. I can't help but feel that no matter who wins the election we will be the real losers.

18 Lines of Bullsh#t from Men's Health (Tons of Useless Stuff)

2008-05-23T00:35:00.009-04:00

Cruising the internet the other day, I ran into this little gem, courtesy of Men's Health and MSN. Aside from the fact that I absolutely hate absolutist lists that insist the author knows everything about life, I found several things about this article that got under my skin. As such, I will proceed with the unmitigated audacity to point my finger in the general direction of Steve Calechman and say, "you are a pitiful excuse for a writer."

Below is his list of "18 Things A Grown Man Should Never Have." My responses are in italics.

=================================================================

1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose. First, you're assuming that a black eye is a sign that a man lost. Second, not everyone picks the fight. Third, not everyone is in/dodging a fight with someone that can be reasoned with.

2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster. Tell your favorite musician that his song lyrics are for karaoke, then get back to me. If it's a personal email, so what? Some words that have special meaning to someone are nothing to look down upon when they want to share them. Complaining about email signatures in an article makes you look like a pretentious twat.

3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her...along with breakfast in bed. I'm sorry; I wasn't aware that my food supply was solely intended to pamper some vile harpy with a sense of entitlement. I will do better next time to be a good little whipped man-slave (like you). Making a nice, fancy meal for a significant other should be an act of (heaven forbid) love; it shouldn't be expected. Keeping a good supply of food on hand is an ideal most of us aspire to, but it shouldn't be solely to satisfy the whims of some drama-film notion of romance.

4. PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life. Or had the good sense to get rid of a vile harpy with a sense of entitlement that was always expecting three-course meals. A man has to do something with his spare time when no longer being expected to slave for her fickle affections.

5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork. Explain to me how leaving the house unprepared is a sign of immaturity. One would think a grown man wouldn't have to improvise using a lighter or fork when he already owns something that does the job more effectively. More importantly, a grown man would be more concerned about safety (the end of a lighter can break off; stabbing yourself or someone else with a fork could take some explaining at the ER).

6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be. The whole thing is irrelevant since there's no such thing as luck. Hard work doesn't produce luck either. Hard work usually puts you into an early grave from stressing yourself too much.

7. An unstamped passport. Sorry, not all of us have the graft to leave the country whenever we damn well please. Or, not all of us are paid for bad writing that tells everyone else how to live.

8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery. Why only Olympics? Why not major-league sports? Minor-league sports? College sports? I confess, I think most athletics are a bloody waste of time, but no more so than, say, a videogame. Relaxing/having fun shouldn't be dictated as to whether or not it's appropriate for your age, even if that extends only so far as a dream, unattainable as it may be.

9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic. I was under the impression that the trendy thing to do was pay for everything using your credit card. If we don't, we run the risk of tying up the beautiful ballet of credit card-paying (and debt-riddled) automatons. And why would a real man need to always carry a business card when you're talking about paper money and paying for food and media? I didn't realize a piece of cardstock with your name, number, and address was accepted as legal tender in the Western world.

10. A name for his penis. Even if it's a really clever name. Okay, I can't really argue with this one. I never understood the tendency for men to name inanimate objects or body parts.

11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold. First, who the hell buys beer by the case? Second, everyone has different tastes. Reaching for the bottom shelf cheap-sh#t doesn't make you any more or less a man than taking the expensive brew. If you like the taste, what should it matter? The only difference is that you have either more disposable income to throw down on beer, or are only doing so because you think it makes you look sophisticated. Check the news: you are still a pretentious twat.

12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own. Fascinating. You must tell us sometime what lacking wit is like.

13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon." My understanding of the fairer sex is that if they are excited (or the man has enough money), they'll do the deed just about anywhere. If the man has the touch, then the magic happens. Yeah, a futon isn't the most glamorous thing to be bumping uglies on, but a man makes do with what's available.

14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything. What's your problem with code words? Keeping certain parts of conversation private is a personal prerogative. I can't say I've ever used code words myself, but I see no reason why they should be considered immature.

15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office. I assume this ties into your dislike for athletic dreams. In that case, see above. Who made you the judge of what can and can't be fun?

16. A secret handshake. I see no problem with this. What does this have to do with maturity? It was never a thing I caught on with, but why denigrate something that creates a sense of community with your friends? While you're at it, go tell the Masonic brotherhood that secret handshakes and code words aren't for grown men.

17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones. Frankly, I couldn't care less what's printed on the glass; what's inside the glass is what concerns me. I suppose you're going to argue that glasses with the logos of your favorite $20+/case beer are also unmanly.

18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop…" Even if that story continues with "...do you have any openings in your department?" or "...could you provide me advice for the police entrance exam?" Seem like normal questions to me. Perhaps the story was when the gentleman in question proved the cop wrong on a point of technicality; this could be useful information. If you have specific unacceptable things to say to a police officer, then please share them. Otherwise, stuff it.

=================================================================

Mr. Calechman left off items 19 and 20 of his list of things a grown man should never have:

19. The audacity to judge other people's lifestyles.

20. A subscription to Men's Health.

Seriously, I wish I were paid to essentially boss around people weak-minded enough to buy into that tripe. This list reads like it should have been titled, "18 Things to Do to Satisfy Your Harpy Girlfriend's Preconceived Notions of What a Man Should Be (And Get Dumped By Her Cheating @$$ Anyway)."

Before you all yell at me for coming off misogynistic, be aware that I know full well that not every woman is a demanding beast fit to be written about as a monster from Greek myth. My friends are dating (one engaged to) fantastic women that love them for who they are, not for some f#cked-up ideas of "What They Should Be Doing, Lest They Not Be Manly." These are beautiful human beings who are not wrapped up in the material world that our article writer here seems to think is the only thing worth living for.

Men's Health, your only contribution to humanity is to be recycled into something worth reading, or, better yet, used for a homeless man's burn barrel. Go tell him he's not a grown man unless he has a fully-stocked fridge so he can cook fancy meals for some bint.

My Chemical Romance Wants To Eat Your Children

2008-05-20T10:00:00.001-04:00

We're all familiar with media twisting truth and being a pack of uninformed retards. Nothing unusual. But, I recently found a fantastic low point recently while cruising Fark.com. Read the following this article from The Mail on Sunday.

Why am I not convinced the "reporter" has any idea what he's talking about?

Despite the fact that I hate emo subculture (if it can be called a subculture) with a passion, this alarmist bullsh#t has to stop. I remember being in high school when Columbine happened, and Marilyn Manson caught a completely unnecessary amount of flack from something he had nothing to do with (incidentally, I have no love for Marilyn Manson either). It's almost refreshing to know that not much has changed in almost a decade.

I figure these baby boomer "me-me-me-me-me-me!" parents are completely detached from their children. The same problem is true of any "youth epidemic." Perhaps they never stopped to think that maybe these teens committed suicide and indulged in self-mutilation because their family structure is about as stable as a house made of wet napkins.

Western civilization is falling apart. Blaming any, any, music style, movie, or video game for an epidemic of youth tragedy is a cop-out. There's an underlying problem in society, and I think it has something to do with the decline in the quality of life in the Western world. Salaries are down, costs for everything are up, and the young are getting f#cked at every turn. You don't want your darling angel to be hanging from the ceiling by her neck? Then try making the world a better place for her to live in.

Stop being detached from your families.
Hire younger workers and instill in them a decent work ethic by actually paying them a wage they can live on.
Stop being an alarmist moron and try thinking for yourselves once in a while.

Look within before placing the blame on a music trend, you douche.

The Ubiquitious Mr. Hotdog

2008-05-16T00:54:00.000-04:00

Hot dogs. Us carnivores love them. "Why?" is not the question. There are no questions; there is only hot dog.

There are many ways to prepare to the hot dog. With the coming of Summer, millions of my countrymen will drag out their grills and pretend they know how to cook something without making it resemble the charcoal briquettes used to cook it in the first place. I suppose that's better than microwaving their dogs. Microwaving makes the meat taste funny and makes for a rather deformed looking frank. Not exactly good choices either way, yes? However, an overlooked and underrated hot dog cooking method is boiling.

Boiling has several benefits. By being immersed in water, the meat cooks more evenly, resulting in a uniformly pleasant texture. The dog will emerge from the pot delightfully plump. The other benefit to boiling your hot dogs is the natural cleansing effect the hot water has on the dog. Boiling helps remove some of the nitrates from the dog, making the dog (slightly) healthier than grilling, and no doubt a hell of a lot healthier than using that molecular-structure-altering microwave.

Bear in mind my faithful readers, every year millions of your fellow American citizens make the mistake of not boiling their hot dogs. Don't be one of them. Boil those dogs.

...Your Peers; or Hope There's At Least One Person That Believes In Doing His Civic Duty

2008-05-14T12:01:00.002-04:00

Most of us react with disgust when we thumb through the mail and see that dreaded "IMPORTANT: Jury Summons Enclosed." It typically means phone calls with fingers crossed in hope that your number is not called, and, if your number is called, sitting in a muggy room with a fantastic cross section of American idiocy. Ghastly.

But here's a shocker for you all: I actually like the idea of serving jury duty. Aside from the fact that it gets my depressed and unemployed arse out of the house for a day or two, it also pays. But that is pale in comparison to the fact that you have the power to fight back against the tide of "Hang 'Em High!" morons that seem to forget that your fellow man is innocent until proven guilty. The state has to prove that the defendant committed a crime, and so many people seem to forget that this is the basis of American justice. The burden of proof is not on the heads of the accused.

Last time I served on a jury, I had to remind my fellow jurors of this, at least several times. When all was said and done, we came to the conclusion that the state did a piss-poor job at proving anything other than the prosecutor being a Hang 'Em High! Dunce. Welcome to Gitmo, NY.

Okay, that last comment was harsher than necessary. But is it that much of a stretch? The mentality of the prosecution and law enforcers being to get the guy behind bars no matter whether or not the state has enough evidence to actually prove he did a damn thing? The worst part is that the people fall for it. An accusation is not proof. With the crimes that make the headlines these days, we need to be especially careful. The first thing that comes to mind when we hear the expression "sex offender" is of some ghoulish pervert that has done indescribable pain to another human being. Before we saddle someone with such a life-ruining tag, we better make damn f#cking sure they actually did something to warrant being haunted and hated forever by those around him/her.

So, my fellow Americans, be not miserable when that letter arrives. Bear in mind that someone may be innocent, and it's your job to make sure the state doesn't simply tell you whether or not your fellow man is a criminal. Be skeptical, be watchful, and be critical of everything you see and hear. It's your civic duty; perform it with some pride.

PEHDTSCHJMBA

2008-05-09T20:30:00.001-04:00

Now, most of my friends know how much of a Tom Waits nut I am. Absolutely love his music, from every era. You can break down his music three ways, according to his record label affiliations: the Asylum era (jazz/blues/piano nightclub sound), the Island era (experimental, running a variety of awesome sounds), and his current vein at ANTI- Records (all over the place).

However, sometimes his lunacy puts me in the awkward position of wanting to smack upside the head one of my favorite artists. Take for example, his upcoming Glitter and Doom Tour. Watch the following video and learn something profound:

Plotting your tour locations in the shape of a constellation is, to be blunt, really f#cking awesome. However, I can't help but be incredibly infuriated that this tour is only covering the America Southwest. There are many people up here in New York that would slit a man's throat to see Tom Waits in all his live glory. While I'm trying to balance the fact that so many people are being left out of this tour, I can't help but smirk at the methodology.

Yes, another blog

2008-05-09T17:15:00.002-04:00

Blogs are an infectious disease of sorts. Much like a rampant cancer that spreads from one major organ to the next. Perhaps someday, the whole internet will collapse under the combined weight of Web 2.0's pretensions to offering everyone in the world their 15 minutes of fame. More like, the possibility that everyone can have 15 minutes of fame. That possibility is no greater than your chances now, so what's the point?

Anyway, don't expect frequent updates as this is intended solely for my own personal amusement.